


But If You Feel Like I Feel

by ResearchBlackwingsAndDenial



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Almost a little bit slightly inclined towards a tad of smut, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, First Kiss, M/M, Pining, Pizza, Sammy helps, falling, the bunker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-21
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-04-27 09:52:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5043745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ResearchBlackwingsAndDenial/pseuds/ResearchBlackwingsAndDenial
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For Cas, it was like an off-switch.</p>
<p>For Dean, on the other hand, it was like a wake-up call.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But If You Feel Like I Feel

**Author's Note:**

> " _Pardon the way that I stare_  
>  _There's nothing else to compare_  
>  _The sight of you leaves me weak_  
>  _There are no words left to speak_  
>  _But if you feel like I feel_  
>  _Please let me know that it's real_  
>  _You're just too good to be true_  
>  _Can't take my eyes off of you_ "
> 
> [(x)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1j1RRWcYSg)

 

 

For Cas, it was like an off-switch.

 

All of his existence he’d always been aware of _everything_. He could see the entire universe, he could hear the entire universe, he could _feel_ all of the universe and everything and everyone in it, yet he was never overwhelmed by it.

 

Castiel, Angel of The Lord, had always been able to listen to all prayers and attend to the ones that needed him the most. He’d always been asked to guard some other place, some other planet, even other galaxies; but no matter how far, he had still been able to focus and pick out humans from all the noise. Humans whose prayers were not so important to the angels assigned to Earth, but desperate humans nonetheless.

 

To Castiel, humans were beautiful, extremely interesting creations. And he’d helped them every time. Every day, every year, every century he’d been able to complete his mission and take on more, helping where his brothers and sisters wouldn’t.

 

That was, until Dean Winchester came along, managed to become The Righteous Man and subsequently, Castiel’s mission.

 

Because when he saw Dean… well, he couldn’t see much else. Try as he might he couldn’t bring himself to watch what was taking place around them, he was blinded to it all.

 

There was no hell, no garrison, no demons, only Dean, Dean’s soul shining more beautiful than anything he’d ever seen, or anything he could remember at the moment anyway. And he really couldn’t remember much either. His focus, it was solely on Dean. He didn’t remember why they were here, didn’t care about the fight. He wasn’t even considering the fact that Dean had already succumbed, that their mission was over, that they got there too late. He didn’t care. All that mattered was saving _him_.

 

And he built him back up. And years passed and it just got worse. Cas couldn’t, he just _couldn’t_ focus on anything else.

 

There were those eyes, they blinded him, pinned him in place, he could see nothing else if Dean’s eyes were on him. Then there was Dean’s soul, it reached out to him like no other soul had ever done, it called for his attention. And Cas had things to do, places to be, but that soul it _grabbed_ him and dragged him back where Dean was. And honestly, Cas didn’t feel like complaining. Dean’s mind was one of the most interesting things Castiel had ever witnessed and he couldn’t seem to get enough, he wanted nothing more than to understand him, to bear witness to his incredible existence.

 

And he needed nothing more than to protect him. Castiel, who had been aware of everything and everyone, now only had interest in Dean Winchester.

 

Sure he still helped as many people as he could, more than he ever had before, but now in the back of his mind he was always listening for Dean’s heartbeat, for his prayers.

 

And when they came, he heard nothing else. Even if the hunter was whispering, whenever Cas heard Dean’s voice, to listen to it became his topmost priority. There were no cries anymore, no crashing of the waves, no sirens, no noise, no stars blowing up, _nothing_ but Dean.

 

So for Castiel, Dean Winchester was an off-switch to the rest of the universe.

 

* * *

 

For Dean, on the other hand, it was like a wake-up call.

 

Dean was a hunter, and as such, he worked with one thing at a time. You can’t hunt a monster without knowing how to kill it and you can’t know how to kill it without research. Even then, you can’t kill a monster without knowing where it is and you can’t find a monster without talking to witnesses. But you can’t possibly talk to witnesses without knowing of victims and you cannot find a victim if you don’t keep an eye out on police reports.

 

Point is, things had an order in Dean’s life, as messy as hunting could be, everything had a time, a way and a place.

 

So Dean was used to shutting things out, he was used to prioritizing things and paying attention solely to what was important at the present moment. Even during fights, when he was at his most aware state, all Dean thought about were his moves and where Sam was. He had no time to worry about how much noise he was doing or how many things he was breaking, that would have to come later.

 

He was used to shutting out his body during his every-day motions. Just like any other human being, he was used to breathing, walking, reaching for things, without even noticing he did, these were all automatic to him.

 

But it wasn’t like that during fights. When he was fighting, Dean was suddenly very aware of the length of his arms, (not long enough to strangle that hunky shapeshifter), or the beating of his heart (hammering in his chest when he put a stake through that god’s heart), or the strength in his legs (not enough to outrun a vampire), or his need for air (gone when that werewolf kicked him in the stomach). And he loved fighting, because he always thought there was no other situation in which he could ever be more conscious, he would never be so focused on anything else, he would never feel more needed and he would _never_ feel like he was doing so much good as he did during fights.

 

He was sure of it.

 

That is until Castiel came along. Because once Dean met Cas, he couldn’t shut him out, and _damn it_ because he really wanted to.

 

Dean had to worry about giving Sammy the best and killing every monster that came their way, he had to look for cases and do research, he could not afford to have Cas at the back of his head _all the damn time_ , but he also couldn’t fight it.

 

At last, something came along that Dean Winchester could not possibly fight.

 

And he ought to be scared and freaked out, but the only thing he could worry about was _Cas,_ and _where is he?_ and _Is he ok?_ and _When is he coming back?_

And when he did come back, and those blue eyes stared at him, Dean’s heart wanted to pop out of his chest; kind of like in a fight… but he wasn’t killing anything.

 

When Cas stood in front of him, when they were just inches apart the strength in Dean’s legs wasn’t enough; also kind of like in a fight… but he was definitely not trying to run away.

 

Cas could take Dean’s breath away; kind of like getting kicked in your stomach… but the angel wasn’t even touching him.

 

Castiel could make Dean extremely aware of the air around him and his need to breathe it in because the hunter couldn’t seem to do that when they were maybe too close.

 

Only they were never close enough, and Dean was constantly aware of the length of his arms now, but because he couldn’t stretch them far enough to take Cas’ hand. He didn’t even know why he wanted to, but he just _did,_ he _needed_ to do it. If only to see if that changed anything _._

 

And he tried _so many times_ … but he couldn’t do it.

 

Every time, Dean would just give up and stare longingly at Cas’ hand resting on the table.

 

“Dean” the hunter’s head snapped up at the sound of his little brother’s voice coming into the kitchen.

 

“Yep? Um, what’s up Sammy?”

 

“Is everything alright? You look like you dropped your sandwich”

 

Dean’s ears turned red at that and he started shooting whatever words he could think of. “I… what are you talking about? Of course everything’s fine, just… What sandwich? We just had lunch, you’re making no sense Sammy. You got a case?”

 

Sam knitted his eyebrows together. “Um… no, not really. I thought maybe we should finish the one we have on hand… Right now I’m scanning the web to track that guy’s credit cards, he had like a zillion so it might take a while.” He pointed at the fridge. “I’m just here to check if we’re low on anything,” He opened the fridge and stuck his head inside. “I’m heading downtown to get a book I ordered a couple of days ago”

 

“Get me some pie,” Dean replied automatically.

 

“Sure thing.” Sam turned and just as he was about to go out the door, Cas spoke up.

 

“May I go with you, Sam?” Sam turned looking slightly freaked as if maybe that was the last thing he needed to hear.

 

“Oh, um… there’s really no need Cas, I’m just getting a book y’know, maybe you should stay here” Sam was now throwing strange looks in Dean’s direction.

 

Dean thought it was weird.

 

Being left alone with Cas again sounded okay, though.

 

He tried to use guilt to persuade the angel to stay. “Thanks a lot, man, you’re gonna leave me with all the research while you two go and geek it out downtown? Real nice of you, Cas”

 

Disapproving blue eyes turned on him.

 

“Dean, we’ve been reading through this books all day and we haven’t found another way of killing that creature. Maybe it would be a good idea for me to get more books and since Sam is-” the angel turned to look at Sam, probably for emphasis, but Sammy wasn’t in the room anymore, maybe not even in the bunker.

 

Dean leaned back on his chair, lifting an eyebrow and flashing a cocky grin. “See, Sammy agreed with me.”

 

“We are not being of much use here just sitting with one another” Cas pointed dryly.

 

Dean’s face fell, he wasn’t planning to go on with the act, but that kinda stung.

 

“Oh alright, you prefer his company, right? You’d rather listen to him babble about some book than sit with me and have me tell you jokes that you don’t even get”

 

When Cas turned his head back towards the hunter he looked taken aback and the tone he used next wasn’t dry anymore. “Dean I don’t pref-“

 

Dean really didn’t know why but he was getting slightly pissed. “No, no I get it. You’d rather go with the smart one than stay and risk the stupidity rubbing off on you. Don’t you? _God forbid_ we spend too much time together.”

 

Cas’ eyes went wide as plates and he turned his body completely towards Dean, worry written all over his face. “ _Dean!_ Why are you saying that? That is not true! Why would you imply that you’re stupid? You are the most interesting man that I have ever met and spending time with you gives me joy like very few other activities do.”

 

And okay maybe Cas talked funny but that didn’t make Dean miss the point here.

 

He knew he was being ridiculous but what he said before wasn’t that far from what he felt after all. And if he had to be a child to get Cas to say that kind of thing then maybe he would be one.

 

“Stupid people can be interesting too.” 

 

Then again, maybe that was too far up the childish scale. Now he was internally rolling his eyes at himself and expecting Cas to do the same.

 

But Cas didn’t seem annoyed, he had that face he got when he was so determined to do something it was actually scary.

 

“You Are Not Stupid, Dean”

 

“Doesn’t mean I’m smart”

 

Well, _that_ would definitely do it.

 

But Cas just seemed frustrated. “You have one of the brightest minds I have seen Dean,” the hunter fought hard not to roll his eyes but Cas went on, as if sensing his skepticism. “You might not be academically perfect, but that isn’t all there is to intelligence. You are clever and you are quick to learn and understand anything that comes your way. No one can solve a case like you do and you have saved all three of our existences more times than anyone could.”

 

Dean’s ears were read and he could feel his cheeks following suit so he stared down at the table between them and let Cas finish.

 

“You are kind and selfless and your loyalty knows no bounds. You provide safety and comfort to your family in the best way you can manage and your brother is infinitely lucky and grateful to have you. You have inspired love in every single person that came to be part of your world to the point where some of them were even happy to give their own lives for you. No one could wish for a better friend than you.” Dean swallowed. Hard. “You are incredible Dean Winchester.” At this point, Cas reached out and took Dean’s hand so that the hunter would raise his eyes to him, and he did. “What do I have to say for you to believe me?”

 

His blue eyes were piercing Dean right through and somehow he was breathless again, thinking he didn’t need longer arms after all.

 

Dean could’ve rolled his eyes, could’ve waved Cas off, he could’ve jerked his hand back, stand and leave the room to continue with his child façade; he could’ve ignored the blue in those eyes, he could’ve laughed it off like he always did when things got awkward. He could’ve run away from his feelings like he always did.

 

But he felt suddenly so tired of running. He felt so tired of having Cas but not in the right ways.

 

Cas’ eyes were wide, sincere and intense, full of sentiment. And Dean would never believe he was as good as Cas said, but that was the thing: _Cas did_. Cas had faith in him, Cas thought he was good, Cas thought he was _good enough,_ and Dean _could_ believe in that. He wanted to, badly.

 

So instead of pushing back from the angel, he held his gaze, trying to communicate everything he couldn’t say aloud.

 

He turned his palm up and laced their fingers together.

 

Cas’ eyes dropped to watch their hands. The corners of his mouth turned up, as if they were tied to strings and Dean leaned closer across the table as if those strings were connected right to his soul too.

 

He was so, _so_ close to Cas, soft black hair tickling his nose, filling it with Cas’ scent, something fresh and citric, blue and _good,_ so good.

 

“I know you think you’re bad,” Cas was mumbling and if Dean hadn’t been so close he probably wouldn’t have got a word the angel said.

 

The hunter couldn’t see the angel’s eyes, but there was something so raw about his voice, something so real and naked to it that hypnotized Dean.

 

“I know you think you hurt the people around you, I know you think you destroy what you love but Dean, none of it was your fault.”

 

Cas’ fingers were rubbing circles in the back of Dean’s hand.

 

“Your father was dealing with your mother’s passing, you were never a bad son. Sam is here because he wants to, because he loves you and his life is better when you’re by his side, you never forced him to give up anything, he made his own choice. You think you deserve everything bad that comes your way because you tortured those souls in Hell, but the truth is, you were tortured for thirty years,” he squeezed the hunter’s hand and Dean swallowed around the knot in his throat, thinking about the awful things he did, guilt settling low in his gut.

 

” _thirty years_ Dean. You were never supposed to suffer through a single year, we were late.  Yet you refused to give up _for thirty years_  when so many other souls would have started torturing the second the chance was presented to them. You were strong. You _are_ strong.”

 

Dean was a little dizzy now, Cas’ scent getting him drunk and a steady buzz going through the million places where their hands touched. He couldn’t move, didn’t want to anyways.

 

He felt bad thinking about what he did, but there was something about Cas’ voice that was soothing and reassuring, something that made his guilt retreat somehow. Maybe because he wanted so desperately to believe in what Cas was saying.

 

But he knew it was wrong, it was all wrong.

 

“Cas thirty years were hard… but I was down there for forty” His eyes burned and his throat was dry and he suddenly felt dirty holding Cas’ hand, so pure and good, he didn’t deserve it.

 

But then Cas looked up at him and he got so lost amidst all that blue.

 

“You made a mistake.” Cas’ voice was small but urgent. “That does not make you a monster, it makes you _human_ ”

 

Dean felt his heart clench and his expression brake, his eyes were watering and he shook his head, desperately trying to make Cas understand he didn’t deserve that kind of faith.

 

The angel went on. “Dean you are _miserable_ , you think everyone is against you, but the only person who truly thinks you are a monster is _you_. You know your mother’s fate was to die that night. Sam would’ve come back to you one way or another. Your father gave his life for you because he loved you more than anything. Those souls would’ve been tortured even if you hadn’t agreed to do it yourself, it happens every day. _Dean_ , you need to forgive yourself for the things you _know_ that you couldn’t have changed.”

 

Tears started to fall quietly from Dean’s eyes but he couldn’t get himself to look away from those eyes. He realized now, he _knew_ Cas was saying the truth, and deep down, he knew no one else would’ve been able to take Dean to this realization.

 

Because the angel was his wake-up call, he always had been.

 

Cas pulled him out of the pit when he had no hope left, Cas proved to him angels _could_ care about people, Cas showed him even divine creatures made mistakes, Cas made him understand that he could trust outside of his little family. Cas showed him the world was not just black and white.

 

“Cas,…”

 

Cas spoke in a serious tone. “I believe that would require work from you, but I’m convinced you can do it”

 

And it was so like his angel, to state the obvious and to believe in Dean like no one else did, that even though Dean felt wrecked inside, he couldn’t help the smile that formed in his face.

 

The hunter huffed out a small laugh and shook his head, leaning across the three inches between them and bringing their lips together, a sense of relief flowing through him like a wave.

 

The kiss was sweet and long, Cas’ lips were incredibly soft and the angel held Dean’s hand as if his life depending on it.

 

Dean loved it, he was completely drunk with Cas, his mind focused on him as it had never been on anything else. Yet he needed more, he needed to show his angel how much he wanted him, how much he wanted to believe everything he said, to raise himself to it, to be worthy of it, and how much he needed him to be there by his side every step of the way.

 

He couldn’t possibly put into words the rush of feelings that came to him, so he turned it all into kisses, into small bites and slow touches, drinking in every reaction he got from Cas, every shiver, every pull. He was incredibly aware of _everything,_ every sound he could hear and every thing he could feel seemed to be synchronized to perfection, as if this was the way and the time for things to happen, as if he could not do anything about it, and he didn’t want to, he wouldn’t have changed that moment for the entire world.

 

Cas’ free hand was on the back of his neck, pulled him down when Dean tried to stand, until he made the angel stand with him, pulling at his coat, only to grab at his waist and trail his hands up, leaving the coat discarded on the floor, inhaling the angel’s sighs as he pushed him up against the kitchen wall.

 

Moving his hands to every place he could reach, Dean took Cas’ left hand with his right and interlaced their fingers again, pinning them to the wall, trying to make Cas understand how important he was to him, how much he loved absolutely every part of him, how much he had longed for him.

 

Cas was giving little moans under his breath as Dean nosed his neck and licked under his jaw, free hand now pulling slightly at the hunter’s hair. Trailing down to feel his chest and his stomach trying to touch the skin underneath his plaid shirt. And even thought it felt _amazing,_ when Dean shivered, it wasn’t from the touch, but from the thought of Cas wanting him, _needing_ more of him in a way no one else had needed before.

 

Never mind the ton of girls and guys he’d slept with, no one had ever clawed at him like Cas did as if he wanted to bare his very soul. And what’s more, Dean wanted him to do it. Dean needed him to shed all of his layers, to leave nothing between the two of them, because this was _good_ , good as he hadn’t had in….hell, this was the best he’d _ever_ felt.

 

And then Sam was coming down the stairs, big feet stomping loud and booming voice calling their names.

 

Cas gasped, lips against Dean’s and Dean just loved how that felt. He chuckled and bit Cas’ lower lip releasing his body but not his hand, letting him go completely when the angel crouched to retrieve his coat.

 

Crossing his arms and leaning his hip on the table trying not to look at Cas’ ass, Dean looked up just as Sam entered the kitchen, eyes wide taking in Dean’s tousled hair and red wet lips, giving a funny look to Cas who was struggling to get his coat.

 

“Hey, bro” Dean couldn’t seem to stop grinning and he tried to cover it with his right fist.

 

“…Um, I’m sorry,” Sam apparently wasn’t _that_ sorry, judging by his knowing smile.

 

Dean narrowed his eyes at him and Cas jumped at the sound of his voice, scrambling to put his coat back on.

 

“I… I feel like I’m interrupting something” Sam moved his eyes between Dean and Cas.

 

“Well, that’s ‘cause you are” Dean looked sideways at Cas and the angel got red as a beet causing Dean to give a full-bodied chuckle, only muffled by his fist.

 

“Uh…” Sam was torn between helping Cas and laughing at him, but Dean spoke up again before he could decide.

 

“But it’s okay Sammy look! You brought pizza!” Dean walked to his brother and took the box from him. “Get beers outta the fridge will ya?” Dean patted Sam’s shoulder.

 

“You seem awfully happy,” Sam said, moving to the fridge and openly grinning at Dean.

 

“I am” Dean answered and put down the box, grabbing Cas by his coat and pulling him until he stood right next to the chair he had been using before Sam left to get his book.

 

He went to get plates.

 

When he came back to the table Cas still hadn’t taken his seat, apparently too busy smiling at Dean. Dean thought it was adorable.

 

Sam thought they couldn’t be more obvious, happily taking a seat across from the two and opening the pizza box.

 

“What about you Cas? You seem to be in a good mood too.”

 

Cas looked at Sam as if he just remembered about his existence.

 

“I am immensely happy Sam, thank you for asking” the angel’s smile showed his gums now.

 

Dean kissed his cheek sweetly and pulled at his sleeve. “Sit down, angel.” Cas turned and smiled at him as he sat in his chair.

 

“I’m glad.” Sam was looking at them like a proud dad.

 

“Shut up, bitch” Dean frowned at his brother but he couldn’t wipe his smile off.

 

Sam laughed. “Jerk.”

 

And yeah, Dean wanted to finish what he’d started with Cas, but for the moment, this was pretty awesome.

 

They talked about the case and eventually the brothers finished the pizza and the beer. Leaning back on their chairs, Cas placing his head on Dean’s shoulder and Sam opening his new book and smiling at the look of them.

 

Dean yawned, content, turned his head slightly towards the angel and murmured “How do you live without sleep?”

 

The angel smiled at him, their voices were barely audible between them. “You should probably go to bed now.”

 

“Hmm…” Dean returned the smile. “I think you should come with me” he turned his face completely and rubbed his nose to Cas’ cheek before he kissed the lights out of him exactly when his brother looked up from his book.

 

Sam made a face. “All right Dean. I’m happy for you, but knock it off.”

 

Dean heard him and smiled against Cas’ lips, grabbing the angel and pulling him into his lap.

 

Cas, bless his heart, tried to pull him away but then he just gave up when Dean slowly licked his lips.

 

“Oh-kay. Good night, guys” Sam closed his book soundly and strutted out of the kitchen. The loud bang of his door closing came a few seconds later.

 

Cas finally managed to pull away, eyes wide. “Is he upset?”

 

Dean chuckled and pulled the angel’s hair from his forehead. “’Course not, we’re just teasing”

 

He tried really heart to stifle his next yawn, but his eyes were closing and he could only take care of one thing at a time.

 

Cas smiled again and climbed down from Dean’s lap.

 

Dean made a sound of protest. Not to be called a whine, he would _never_ whine.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

Cas frowned and tilted his head, a smile on his face as he offered his hand to Dean

 

“I’m not going anywhere without you”

 

And Dean just loved him infinitely at that moment.

 

He smiled widely and took the angel’s hand, dragging him to his room.

 

Neither came back out of there for the next twelve hours and even then it was only because Dean had to eat.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was me, worried about Dean and how he feels. 
> 
> While I obsessed a bit over Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons.
> 
> I hope you like it :) If you do, your kudos and comments are widely appreciated. ❤
> 
> I'm [here](http://research-blackwings-denial.tumblr.com/) if you want to come say hi ^_^


End file.
